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LITERATURE

 » Full Dark, No Stars - Stephen King's new novella questions mankind's ability to trust others.
[02.21.2011 by Bridget Doyle]

MUSIC

 » The Top 30 Albums of 2010 - Fashionably, fabulously late, our favorite music (and believe me, there was a LOT) of 2010, the year that some have called the best year for music ever. And only some of those fools work here. Plenty of usual suspects, lots of ties and a few surprises that I won't spoil, including our unexpected #1.
[12.24.2010 by The LAS Staff]

MUSIC

 » Live: Surfer Blood/The Drums at Lincoln Hall, Chicago, IL - Remember when Weezer used to put together records that you could sing along to and rock out to? That's what Surfer Blood's show was like!
[11.04.2010 by Cory Tendering]

Music Reviews

Screaming Females - Castle Talk
»Screaming Females
Castle Talk
Don Giovanni
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross - The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
»Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross
The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
The Null Corporation
Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest
»Deerhunter
Halcyon Digest
4AD
No Age - Everything in Between
»No Age
Everything in Between
Sub Pop
Robyn - Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
»Robyn
Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
Konichiwa
The Walkmen - Lisbon
»The Walkmen
Lisbon
Fat Possum
Death Cab for Cutie
Plans
Atlantic Records

Rating: 7/10 ?


September 1, 2005

From the desk of Mr. Atlantic

Dear Cuties,

We here in the majors are pleased as punch that you are finally taking yourselves seriously.

Since little Seth Cohen loves you guys so much, we know the world will be right behind them - but first we need to discuss some ideas we need to get across to you guys, since you don't yet know what it's like in the Real World, the Major Label world.

First of all, after looking over your catalogue of albums, you have got to do something with the way you title them. We Have The Facts And We're Voting Yes? What kind of album title is that? Take it from some of the other artists under the Atlantic umbrella. Those rock and rollers called Jet titled their album Get Born, and our favorites around the office, Stained just released an album called Chapter V. You should follow these bands and give yourself a simple album title. The kids love those two bands, and you guys could be just like them if you follow my advice.

Second, a lot of the songs on your previous albums are hard to hear. There is a quality to the recordings that is very poor. I think it's called 'Low-Fi,' and we here at Atlantic don't like it. I know your guitar player likes to record your albums for you in his closet. Now that you're in the big time, we are going to provide a real recording studio with 48 tracks available to record on. I know you guys will have never seen anything like it - and we'll even let your guitar player watch how the big boys do it. We may even let him twist a knob or two if he really wants to. You know what, I take that back. We here in the Majors appreciate what you guys do, so we'll let your guitar player be in charge of the whole record. We'll still give you guys 48 tracks to record on in the studio, but if you don't make a platinum record, it will be on him, so he better play by the rules. [Ed. The safe, boring rules.]

And speaking of your guitar player, we have some suggestions for the other members of your band. We realize that you are keeping the same drummer from your previous album (very unlike you, as I'm told). We don't mind that so much, as long as he can take a backseat on all of the songs on your new album. You have to remember, you're in the big leagues now and powerful drums scare people (especially people that watch The OC). There will be a lot of new people listening to this album and the last thing you want to do is scare them off.

We were thinking about hiring you guys as a trio and just using a drum machine for your songs (like the big hit from your previous album, called "Title and Registration"), but we were told one of your band members is in another band who only uses drum machines and computer noises for music, and we would hate to have to hire someone else. We'll keep you guys a quartet, but you have to promise to barely use any drums on the new album.

What we look for in a platinum album is safety. We demand you guys make all the songs on your new album sound like they can be used on TV at all times. We want your songs to sell products and make people feel good, but we also want people to be able to relate to them. Since you guys started getting noticed on The OC, we ask that all the songs on your new album fit the feel of that show. In fact, we will provide you guys with endless footage from The OC, and we ask that you give us a soundtrack for it. Make all of the music safe; don't take many risks. Write feel good, pretty pop songs, and for the love of all that is holy, do not write a song over 6 minutes long.

We plan on releasing the most 'experimental' song you guys come up with as the first single, since your returning fans will want to know that you're still taking risks. As soon as they listen to your album they will fall in love with its simplicity and forget what risks you guys used to take. I hope to have a longstanding relationship with you boys. I'm told the four of you are very nice. Don't disappoint the Majors, and please remember - the American public is stupid. Keep it simple.

With the world in my hands,
Johnny Atlantic


Reviewed by Bob Ladewig
Having been introduced to good music by his sister in the early years, Bob Ladewig has been searching out all the best in indie music ever since. He also rides a skateboard and performs/directs comedy shows and, like all great men, he\'s afraid of really growing up.

See other reviews by Bob Ladewig

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