» Full Dark, No Stars - Stephen King's new novella questions mankind's ability to trust others.
[02.21.2011 by Bridget Doyle]


 » The Top 30 Albums of 2010 - Fashionably, fabulously late, our favorite music (and believe me, there was a LOT) of 2010, the year that some have called the best year for music ever. And only some of those fools work here. Plenty of usual suspects, lots of ties and a few surprises that I won't spoil, including our unexpected #1.
[12.24.2010 by The LAS Staff]


 » Live: Surfer Blood/The Drums at Lincoln Hall, Chicago, IL - Remember when Weezer used to put together records that you could sing along to and rock out to? That's what Surfer Blood's show was like!
[11.04.2010 by Cory Tendering]

Music Reviews

Screaming Females - Castle Talk
»Screaming Females
Castle Talk
Don Giovanni
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross - The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
»Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross
The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
The Null Corporation
Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest
Halcyon Digest
No Age - Everything in Between
»No Age
Everything in Between
Sub Pop
Robyn - Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
The Walkmen - Lisbon
»The Walkmen
Fat Possum

February 1, 2000
I called my best friend's lame-o friend and asked if I could come over, but she said she was tired. When I talked it sounded like I was in a traumatic state, and I may well be. It has been months for me, longer than that actually, and I'm really beginning to feel that I'm in the wrong city. This town is great for screenwriters, but my natural problem lies in the fact that my project is about abstinence. So the story was edited and done at the end of November; now it is time to use what I have learned, and capitalize on my struggle.

I have been toying around with the idea that if I go here or there on this or that night, I will meet a chick. Meeting a woman is fine, but I simultaneously need immediate sex as well, the reason being is that I am adept at predicting the future to a small extent. Sometimes to an extent more classifiable as large though. I, after all, predicted the bombings. A couple weeks ago I met a young woman named Norma that worked at the California Clipper, a cocktail lounge and bar. I wrote a poem about the night, with her in it, and sent it there.

Last evening I had the notion to go down to the Clipper. One reason was obviously that I need to get laid. Reason two, Norma worked last Thursday. Three, it's romantic. I did have the small realization that if I went down there I would meet my new girlfriend too, so I went. Sometimes when I go down California Avenue to get there, I say that I don't have enough for the cab, so I often get there for fifty cents.

For awhile there was a nearby business woman that stared at me twice whom I thought was Norma. I sat at the end of the bar where a new waitress was launching drinks. And in actuality, in hindsight, it seemed that she was kind of partial to me. She asked if I was a local, I told her yes, because tonight I will be going back there, which makes me such. But first I am going to call to see if she's working.

Last night was her first night there. This older woman began laughing at my humor and badgering me about my big break as a stand up comedian. I told Kim I was already in the entertainment industry, and she asked me if I was a rock star. Hollywood. I told her that yes, indeed, I was a rock star. Am a rock star.

I don't want to go spoiling things between me and Kim, but anyway... I mean, I am a cool guy. I'm like this ultimate bachelor or something, and I think it's just a matter of time. But that's what I said awhile ago. I know that getting a girlfriend is very hard, for most people at least. It would be an honor to date me.

You have to know how to find them, the women, the girlfriends. I use the adjunct of note taking in abstract word association fashion. One worry is that I have in fact found a girlfriend, and that the column is over before it began. Maybe I'm over-reacting, calling myself too much of a master; the Clipper is a great place to meet someone. My friend refers to it as the Candy Shop. Young women with perfect perms sipping vodka from a skinny glass and smoking, you know what I mean.

I mean, I had to complete the final edit of the screen story before there would be any chance, that's just how that shit works.

Tom Schmidt
No one really knows anything at all about Tom Schmidt.

See other articles by Tom Schmidt.



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