» Full Dark, No Stars - Stephen King's new novella questions mankind's ability to trust others.
[02.21.2011 by Bridget Doyle]


 » The Top 30 Albums of 2010 - Fashionably, fabulously late, our favorite music (and believe me, there was a LOT) of 2010, the year that some have called the best year for music ever. And only some of those fools work here. Plenty of usual suspects, lots of ties and a few surprises that I won't spoil, including our unexpected #1.
[12.24.2010 by The LAS Staff]


 » Live: Surfer Blood/The Drums at Lincoln Hall, Chicago, IL - Remember when Weezer used to put together records that you could sing along to and rock out to? That's what Surfer Blood's show was like!
[11.04.2010 by Cory Tendering]

Music Reviews

Screaming Females - Castle Talk
»Screaming Females
Castle Talk
Don Giovanni
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross - The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
»Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross
The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
The Null Corporation
Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest
Halcyon Digest
No Age - Everything in Between
»No Age
Everything in Between
Sub Pop
Robyn - Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
The Walkmen - Lisbon
»The Walkmen
Fat Possum

November 16, 2004
So, the answer came to me when I was refreshing the CNN electoral map for the 34th time on November 2nd. I had an epiphany that will save this country, or more correctly, what is now a tri-national North America and will soon be divided into multiple countries.

Upon looking at the states that were red and the states that were blue, I realized that 160 something years after the "war between the states," Americans are not any more united now than they were back when everyone referred to this grand experiment as the "Union" and not a country.

Looking at it simply, it comes down to the fact that those within the blue states no longer feel comfortable with the fact that Kansas, Nebraska, Oklahoma (not to mention Mississippi and Alabama) get to create our image as a country--a country that elected George Bush not once, but twice. I doubt someone in Europe is going to look at the same electoral map we saw and say, "Well, those states in blue aren't the problem. I'll reserve my hatred for those states that I never see in the news except for when they're outlawing gay marriage or not allowing Muslim girls to wear head scarves (hajib - you can use this term if you want, it sounds smarter)."

I'd love to be proven wrong, but the rest of the world is not going to understand that 48% of the population are somewhat intelligent. So, what can we do? There's plenty of talk about healing and bridging the divide and learning to work together again.

What the fuck ever.

Since I am living in Vermont, a state that has had a secession movement since before it was even a state, I've decided that it's time this grand experiment change directions.

What I mean is that some states are awesome and some should be flown over or (god help you) driven through very, very quickly. With an oxygen mask. So why not get rid of them? Check it out:

You'll notice that what is left are all the states who went blue in the election. I don't know about you, but it's pretty cool to look at a map of the "United" States and not have Texas and Florida sticking out like extraneous limbs.

This splitting along party lines does not solve everything, however. The unfortunate reality is that the west coast, Midwest, and New England states can't be one nation. It is geographically impossible with that axis of evil sitting in between them.

With this being understood, the only feasible possibility is that there must be four new republics, who shall tentatively be named The United Western States, The United Midwestern States, and The United States of New England, respectively. As far as deciding of the capitals of these new countries, that's anybody's guess. Let's jump off that bridge when we get to it.

Hawaii can go back to doing whatever it was doing before we annexed it. I don't know what they were doing because since I went through an American public school system my knowledge of Hawaiian history begins and ends with Pearl Harbor. I'm sure it was happier being a series of tiny islands instead of being a series of tiny islands that has to answer to the disastrous wars started by some guy thousands of miles away.

Speaking of states we should have never inducted into the club, Alaska needs to go. Any state that votes for its own doom at the hands of oil companies is one that is clearly not right in the head and needs to be excised. They can go to Canada for social security benefits and government health care, otherwise they'll be fine on their own. Russia might want to buy it back, but with the way things are going over there, I wouldn't wish Russian sovereignty on my worst enemy. Okay, maybe on Delaware.

But there are still a few things that make this situation more complicated than a simple split. While we're going ahead and undoing the past 200 something years of expansion, we should give back what we have taken in the process. Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona should be given back to Mexico, who never really recovered after it lost these places. We probably owe it some of California, but whatever. While a name change would be up to the Mexican government, I would strongly suggest Texico.

During our old nation's tenure, it wasn't just other governments that we stomped all over in our desire to fulfill Manifest Destiny. You can take up as much space on the National Mall as you want, but what I'm sure Native Americans would like is their freaking land back. This would, in truth, amount to all of North America, but expelling all the whites would cause more problems so 11 states are good enough. Montana, Wyoming, Idaho, Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Kansas, North Dakota, and South Dakota can all be given back without much hassle and we can finally feel like we've made things sort of better.

The last and least of our concerns is Quebec, which has been clamoring for independence for quite some time now. Again, I am an 18 year old product of an American public school system so I couldn't tell you the first thing about Canadian history, but it seems pretty clear that the Quebecois would be okay with not being a part of Canada anymore. This would sandwich Quebec in the middle of two parts of Canada, but nobody's gonna care. Newfoundland is a place for ships to sink near, not worry about politics.

So here it is, the new face of North America:

Tom Nash
A former LAS staff member based in Vienna - that's Virginia, not Austria - Tom graduated from high school and we are all just so, so proud of him.

See other articles by Tom Nash.



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